Four Lies I Was Told About Marriage

or 'Things to Not Say to Your Engaged Friend'

“The decisive battle between the kingdom of Christ and Satan will be over marriage and the family.” - Sister Lucia of Fatima

One of the worst features of human nature is that we love swapping horror stories. This is especially common when people announce two major life events: marriage and pregnancy.

After I announced my engagement, I received hearty congratulations from everyone around my age. However, the generations above me did not have glowing reviews of the whole “marriage” idea, and they did not hesitate to tell me so. In my time of great joy, here were four damaging lies that I was told, either explicitly by family and friends, or implicitly by the culture:

Lie #1: You’re Too Young To Get Married

“Aren’t you a little young to be getting married? You should really find yourself before settling down.”

I got this one the most.

Turns out, the scientific literature does not support the idea that delaying marriage by having more relationship experience is a good thing. Practice does not make perfect; more prior relationships and cohabitations are associated with higher rates of divorce later on. Plus, contrary to popular notions, getting married between the ages of 20 and 24 is a good recipe for marital satisfaction, according to BYU and the University of Virginia’s “State of Our Unions” 2022 report. 

On “finding yourself” before you walk down the aisle. There is a certain amount of truth here. At the tender age of 19, I did not know what I believed about the world, my values, and what I wanted for my future. I had no voice, and this was reflected in my infantile relationship at the time. I was indeed too young to get married, and I was terrified of the idea anyways, claiming to others that I might do it “around 30,” if at all. This fear was only compounded by my lack of knowledge about wifely and motherly duties and my anxiety about getting divorced like my parents.

After I started educating myself about healthy relationships and motherhood, I quickly realized that I was not keen on waiting until I was 29 and stuck in my ways to get married. Let’s face it, you do have to change yourself and some of your behaviors to accommodate your spouse’s needs. These changes are far easier to make when you are younger, when your brain and heart are still not fully formed or hardened.

Lie #2: Marriage Is Just a Contract

“Marriage is just a contract. You don’t need a piece of paper to prove your love for him.”

Let’s assume for the sake of argument that marriage is just a contract, say between two business partners. 

In a business arrangement, you need a business plan, permits, a budget, a shared bank account, a product, a value proposition, stable governance and stewardship, and an agreed-upon legal contract. A joint business venture can be high risk. You may be best of friends with your business partner right now, but who can say what the next 50 years will look like?  Business partnerships, like marriages, can not subsist off good feelings alone. The contract you sign together gives you ties that bind in case a falling out occurs, or if one of you changes as a person.

We would never be blasé about a business contract with a friend, or a contract with our employers, so it is a great mystery why people treat marriage, which is so much more than a joint venture, with such flippancy. However, I think the real feeling underlying these types of reductionist proclamations is that people do in fact believe that marriage is a high-risk, high-reward calling. As such, they do not want to make such a commitment and then fail.

I agree in one respect with the “it’s just a piece of paper” crowd. Yes, my marriage license is a piece of paper. But my marriage is a sacrament — it’s above my local county clerk’s office, above my state, and above my country. God Himself instituted marriage, and ratified my own.

Lie #3: You Should Live Together and Try It Out For a While

“You guys should live together first to see if you can tolerate each other. What if he leaves his wet towels on the floor?”

The implication inherent in this advice, of course, is that I should test my partner’s sexual mettle as well as his ability to satisfy my personal preferences prior to putting a ring on it. My response: my boyfriend is not a car that I am test driving. Traveling with my now-husband, seeing his childhood bedroom, visiting him in his college apartment, and three years of dating told me all I needed to know about his personal habits. Plus, pet peeves will always arise during marriage.

In addition, the “living together” experiment is already running. Millennials and Gen Z couples are cohabitating in droves. However, fewer of these trial runs are transitioning to marriages, and I did not want to become part of that statistic. While living apart for over a year from my fiancé was difficult, both financially and psychologically, I am glad we did it. It gave us the clarity we needed to ensure that we were making the decision to become husband and wife free from any financial or sexual pressure to stay together.

Lie #4: You Should Focus on Your Career

“You should really establish your career first so you don’t have to rely on a man. You know, just in case!”

Even if you plan to work outside of the home and have a career, as I do, picking your spouse is the most important decision affecting your life satisfaction and span. One longitudinal study out of Israel showed that men who were dissatisfied in their marriage were at a substantially higher risk of stroke over the 32-year period studied. Yikes! For women and men alike, their marriage quality is key to their flourishing and feelings of well-being.

Therefore, unmarried women should keep their sights set on finding a spouse alongside a career. Too many women in college, including my younger self, dispense with the whole marriage idea, despite being in the most target-rich dating environment they will encounter in their adult life. I remember deriding the women who were only at my university to get their “MRS degree,” a pejorative I cringe at now.

Even so, every woman should indeed have a trade, preferably in a field that accommodates child-rearing, as most women (and men) will eventually want to have children. Single motherhood isn’t kind, so if one’s spouse dies or otherwise leaves, a college degree can be key to right the ship. However, career is not everything, and may even mean next to nothing someday. For a heartbreaking example of this, an article written by a 38-year old divorcée serves as a cautionary tale:

“I needed independence, a fulfilling career, and space to chart my own course, and I didn't think marriage fit into that vision. I was content to look toward a future without a husband, children, or the trappings of a "traditional" life.”

Later, she said she,

“...began to feel selfish for spending so much time focusing solely on myself. I went from proudly proclaiming I was too self-centered to be bothered with a family to realizing there was more to life than independence and the pleasures of living for oneself. My very existence started to feel shallow and hollow.

I understand the appeal of life without the constraints of marriage or children; for many years I was quite satisfied living that way. I know people can live happy, purpose-driven lives without those things. I just don't believe I'm one of those people anymore.”