Gen Z is Ditching the Dating Apps

I fully admit that I live outside of the social media sphere. I’m not on TikTok nor Tinder nor Reddit. But even in my Luddite bubble,  I’ve caught wind that my generation is ditching dating apps. In response, the app companies are freaking out — so much so that some of them are slashing the size of their workforces by 30%.

The upside of this development is that the new generation is communicating to their Big Tech overlords that they are sick and tired of mediocre online dating. They want genuine connection, something real. Swiping felt transactional. Plus, it’s tough to get a read on a person from a few lines of quirky bio text and quotes from The Office. Ask me how I know — I only lasted on Tinder for a mere 48 hours before getting a full-body ick from the process.

However, dating app fatigue is only part of the story. There’s a shadow side. A not insignificant segment of Gen Z is giving up on dating — period. Members of this group may be hopelessly addicted to pornography. They may even have an AI girlfriend or read lewd novels on Wattpad (don’t look it up), effectively killing their drive to seek out a real relationship. They may be underemployed and feel self-conscious about taking a risk and possibly failing to find a date. If they are politically conservative, they might not be able to find a woman or man that shares their values. Lastly, even if they do want to date seriously, it can be difficult to find women or men who desire the same.

Also, we can’t discount the effect of the Red Pill movement on both of the sexes. If you don’t know what I mean, I mean that feminists and anti-feminists in the so-called “manosphere” are consistently telling both men and women that marriage is stupid, risky, and a surefire way to end up betrayed. This of course is complete bunk, but I can understand its allure, especially as a child of divorce. For those of us who grew up with broken families, it is extremely difficult to trust ourselves, the opposite sex, and God Himself.

On the other hand, prospects are looking up for the members of traditional religious communities that are dating for marriage. Although the pornography problem and male underemployment are still pervasive in these groups, several quagmires that lead people to apps are solved. One, at every church function, you are meeting people who share your values. Two, you can be reasonably assured that the members of these communities will take dating seriously. That’s at least a few barriers surmounted.

For all of us, religious or not, the New York Times rightly points out that it takes getting off the apps to really appreciate the people around you. According to one woman, “knowing that I’ve eliminated them [the apps] as an option to meet people has made me more inclined to engage in conversation with a stranger at a cafe, bookshop, or house party.” Speed dating events are coming back too, and I have seen a lot of “young adult mixers” around my own community lately (wink wink, nudge nudge.)

What I am not sure about is whether ditching the apps millennials apparently love will solve even 10% of our current dating struggles. The truth is that what we’re really missing is the communities of generations past that would play a role in matchmaking prospective couples. We can picture the stereotypical images now — your aunt telling you about her friend who has a single daughter, your mom putting out feelers in the community for bachelors with a decent job, your mutual friend setting you up with her beau’s single friend. A lot of young people — especially post-college, in-the-workforce Zoomers — are missing that.

The closest thing twenty-somethings had to community matchmaking before entering the workforce was school. According to an Axios poll of college students, 35% of the respondents met their current or most recent significant other at university. The next closest meeting spots — dating apps at 15%, a coincidental meeting in person at 15%, and through friends at 14%. 

Now, dear reader, you must take these numbers with a grain of salt. They surveyed college students, who of course are more likely to meet their significant others in class than those of us not in college (duh). But even in the college group, coincidental meet-cutes and dating through friends comprised a not insignificant number of inciting incidents for relationships. For the Zoomer that is out of school, possibly working from home in an opposite-sex-dominated field, what is there to do?

To be honest… I do not know. My husband and I have nothing to say to his coworkers who ask, desperately, if we know any single women. I tell them that I do know of such women, but they are traditional, religious, and not willing to move in nor fornicate with a guy before marriage. In contrast, these men are not believers. Despite that little hiccup, these are good-looking men that work hard at jobs that pay well. By all accounts, they should have success. And yet, they don’t.

Either way you slice it, some people who do not have access to a community of like-minded individuals will still choose to engage with dating apps. For those people, Reddit has some tips that I can generally get on board with: 1) These apps are addicting, so act accordingly. Limit your swipes per day. 2) Get conversations off the app as soon as possible. 3) Do not use the apps as an excuse to neglect real-life opportunities. Use the app in tandem with real life events.

Though no one asked, I’m in favor of people ditching the apps altogether. That would result in a lot more people being open to meeting someone in real life, and would probably lift everyone’s self esteem. It may even revitalize third places like libraries, coffee shops, and your local gym. And for all the men reading this who have thought, “I can’t approach her in [insert totally mundane location here]; she’ll think I’m a creep!,” just… do it. What you’re actually afraid of is being rejected, and fear is distinctly un-masculine. Go forth!