My Own Personal 'Screwtape' Letter

My dear Wormwood,

I received your inquiry about the beginning of the abominable season of Lent (may it be damned) and what you can do about it.

It’s quite simple, really. First, make sure your charge continues carrying her cellular on her hip at all times during the forty days. This is of utmost importance, so continually remind her of its presence. I will return to this point shortly.

When she wakes in the morning, fill her imagination with today’s struggles and tomorrow’s worries. If she manages to still make her morning offering to the Enemy, leave her at that time and ready yourself for the next salvo. It’s about winning the war, Wormwood, not the battle. Patience is key.

I read in your note that her routine reading of the “Good Book” is resistant to your overtures. Try a more subtle move – whisper in her mind that she is taking time away from her husband by spending all that time reading. Tell her she is not being useful, that time with the Enemy is time wasted. Appeal to her sense of propriety and duty to her family. Then, she may not recognize your tail flicking around the corner.

During the workday, keep your designs simple. Distractions, distractions, and more distractions. Dangle an obvious good in front of her mind, such as writing a new article or catching up on dishes, to obfuscate the equally obvious injustice done to her employer. I am sure the boss wouldn’t mind, you’ll say.

At lunch, make her think that she cannot possibly manage a meal without another human voice accompanying it. Use a podcast to distract her from comfortable thoughts of the Enemy and His Goodness or uncomfortable thoughts like her own sin. See, Wormwood, this is the key with the cellular phone. The Enemy will of course prod her to shut off the infernal device, but too quickly, it will be in her hand. At that very moment, slip this little idea into her simple head: “I need this. This is just who I am.” Then, your trap will be set.

The next step is the killing blow. As the cow finally realizes that she succumbed to the din of Our World, it is your time to plant one of two ideas in her idea, whichever seems more profitable to the cause. The self-accusatory thought that she will never be able to overcome this vice is one avenue of attack, if she’s in a more downtrodden mood. If, however, she is teetering on the edge of pride, try this one: “It’s not really a mortal sin anyway, and at least I am not listening to anything vulgar.” Either will ensure that the habit will continue to your benefit.

I know that you wanted me to address your grander plots in this letter, my dear, but believe me, it is the small steps that lead to the greater victories. For example, you guess rightly that all of the myriad resentments you are pushing deep into her unconscious will eventually result in a large row with her husband. However, before that appointed time, might I suggest letting one or two malicious thoughts swim to the surface so they come out as biting remarks? It is not as glamorous to be sure, but often, what begins as a grand domestic quarrel resolves speedily, with the marriage bond becoming all the stronger. I made such a mistake once, and I daresay you should not repeat it. Our Lord detests these missteps in particular.

Try your best to utilize the methods I have described to scuttle her prayer and fasting efforts, if you can.

Your affectionate uncle,

Screwtape