The Modern Woman's Heartbreaking Dating Experience

The timeline of a modern relationship in America is cattywampus. Askew. Flip-turned upside down. In my estimation, here’s a general checklist of how things go today:

1. Start dating.

2. Move in together.

3. Get a dog or two.

4. Live together for years.

5. Get engaged in your 30s OR break up.

6. Get married when you finally want children.

7. Put off having children for a few years after that.

8. Have children (if possible).

Let’s reference the model that was used for most of human history until about fifty years ago.

1. Start dating.

2. Get engaged within a year or so.

3. Get married.

4. Have children (if possible).

In this article, I will analyze the former model and attempt to figure out how we got here. Wish me luck, and don’t forget to

“My boyfriend and I have been dating for six years, but we’re in no rush.”

Modern women say things akin to the quote above for many different reasons, but a big one is to cope with the lack of commitment on the part of men. We all know a female friend who has dated the same man for three-plus years and has no marriage proposal forthcoming. If not personally, we see this trope play out in Hollywood constantly. Singer Taylor Swift, actress Vanessa Hudgens, and many famous YouTubers are all left high and dry by their boyfriends of six, ten, and twelve years — seemingly out of nowhere.

What is happening here? Since 34-year-old Swift is always raw about her relationship experiences, let’s look at one of her newer songs “You’re Losing Me,” suspected to be about her ex-boyfriend of six years, Joe Alwyn:

“Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?...

I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick…

I wouldn't marry me either

A pathological people-pleaser

Who only wanted you to see her”

Another song is entitled “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived.” Subtle.

“And I don't even want you back, I just want to know

If rusting my sparkling summer was the goal…

You said normal girls were boring

But you were gone by the morning”

Joe went from being the “king of her heart” to the smallest man in the world. Swift tells us how:

“And I'm pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free”

And:

“He said he'd love me all his life

But that life was too short”

In another song, Swift says that despite her pain, she will continue to pursue her career, stilettos and all:

“They said, "Babe, you gotta fake it 'til you make it" and I did

Lights, camera, bitch, smile

In stilettos for miles…

I cry a lot, but I am so productive, it's an art…

Ah, try and come for my job…”

In this song and others, reality starts to set in:

“I can read your mind

"She's having the time of her life"

There in her glittering prime

The lights refract sequin stars off her silhouette every night

I can show you lies”

“I got cursed like Eve got bitten

Oh, was it punishment?...

I've been on my knees

Change the prophecy

Don’t want money

Just someone who wants my company…

A greater woman has faith

But even statues crumble if they're made to wait

I'm so afraid I sealed my fate 

No sign of soulmates."

Swift’s recent songs are heartbreaking. Gone are the days of pining for crushes or eschewing male companionship altogether, two prominent characteristics of her prior albums. The sad fact is that Taylor — like many others — has prioritized her career for so long, only to realize how hollow the money, glitz, and glamour were precisely at the age when she has fewer marriage options. This is a huge warning to young women today. 

To put it plainly, if you have dated a man for two years or more and are still unsure that he is marriage material, break up, today. If talks of proposals, meeting his family, and having children someday are met with deft avoidance or steely sulks, break up, today. Time is short. If he will gladly have sex with you, but will just as happily drive you to the abortion clinic if a baby comes along, break up, today. He does not want you, fertility and all. If you have moved in with him, and there’s no ring-ring on your fing-fing, move out and break up, today. He’s playing House, and you.

Even apart from a partner’s lack of commitment, the modern woman may delude herself by focusing exclusively on travel, education, and her career. None of these things are bad in themselves — in fact, they are all good — but they are not more important than marriage or children. All is vanity at the end of this life, including trips to Europe or Bali.

As for education, a prevailing myth we all have instilled in our minds is that the only time you can get a degree is from age 18 to 30. In reality, college does not have an expiration date. Once kids are in school or out of the house entirely, mothers and fathers will have time to get more advanced degrees. At a recent law school graduation I attended, I saw more than a few moms and dads walking up the steps to get their diplomas, small children in tow. With sacrifice, it can be done. 

Similarly, we have careers backward. Even though abortion and the pill have made equal employment gains for mothers almost nonexistent since 1973, that does not mean we have to continue to play into the hands of the corporate elite. The current moment wants women in all of the same boardrooms that men are in, often to the detriment of family life for both sexes. It’s no wonder that the capitalist establishment wants women on the pill — they want women to give their best, energized years to the corporate machine. Unfortunately, the 20s and early 30s are a woman’s best chance to find a partner and rear children.

Whatever the media may say, those years do count. People have, realistically, only a couple of opportunities to have a long-term relationship and still have children. In my case, I had an almost two-year relationship fall through before I reconnected with my now-husband. If like me, you spend two years with someone to decide if they are marriage material, and you start dating for marriage at 18, you have about five or six chances to find your life partner before your 30s.

Often, women have trouble finding suitable matches, stretching out this timeline even further. For a variety of reasons, including male immaturity, underemployment, and a wanton lack of chastity, women may feel that men cannot be relied upon in the same way they could be in the past. With this status quo, unplanned childlessness is a very real possibility, so much so that some women of means are electing to be single by choice. They would rather pick a verified, high-quality sperm donor and deal with the grueling IVF process than tug around a deadbeat. There’s no avoiding biology — women are still the selectors.

Despite how bad things look on the ground, there is hope. Since Roe v. Wade’s overturning, more and more women have had to face biological reality. After abortion’s noxious use in eugenics and population control, the procedure only became popular with women as an insurance policy when the birth control pill failed. With abortion and birth control now up for debate after Roe’s dissolution, men and women are having to seriously talk about reproductive asymmetry and the obvious result of a sexual encounter: a child.

Abortion and the pill had long papered over any urgency in determining whether a partner was marriage material. According to Erika Bachiochi, “the pill’s widespread usage seemed in practice to stimulate a profound change in sexual behavior, dramatically increasing sexual activity within but even more outside of marriage.” This sea change lowered men’s input into a child even further and allowed women to be treated as mere objects for sexual pleasure, as the pill makes women “always available.” In short order, women capitulated to the preferred male lifestyle: an unchaste, wanton, polygamous one.

There are ways to get out of this pit, but I’ll focus on them another time. First, we have to revisit Taylor Swift. I am happy to report that both Taylor Swift and some of her other counterparts who have been harmed by the Modern Dating Timeline seem to have found good men. Vanessa Hudgens quickly catapulted from her ten-year relationship breakup to a marriage and a new baby. Meanwhile, her ex started dating an ingénue ten years younger than himself — a tell-tale sign of his immaturity. Taylor is dating an NFL tight end, and engagement rumors are swirling. I’m thrilled that these women have grown up and realized the importance of marriage and children. I hope the change in tone will help other young women recognize that they do not have to take the circuitous path they took.

To sum up, you do not need to have money, two degrees, a house, an established career, ten years, and two dogs to determine if a man is right for you. Part of the joy of marriage is growing and struggling together. The illusion of security that a long, drawn-out dating relationship brings is just that — an illusion. Furthermore — and this is a hard pill to swallow for some — there is no perfect person for you. The proverbial “grass” can always be greener, hotter, and more successful. But the best things in life come when we plant our flag on one hill, forsaking other options. Like Swift says, even a statue crumbles if it’s made to wait.