How We Can Make Women Great Again

I would not call myself an idealist. But a commenter has asked me to be idealistic, so I will. Specifically, they asked me what a healthy version of womanhood looks like and if I had any examples. To answer that very important question, I will put forth a few examples of women I think should be emulated and explain how I try to live up to their legacies. In the process, I hope to re-present a healthier version of womanhood than the boss-babe, trad-wife dichotomy we see in our society today.¹

First and foremost, we need to ask what a woman is and what she is made for. A woman — in my very unphilosophical language — is an adult human female whose body is ordered to the purpose of receiving and birthing children. As for what she is for, she is ultimately for the glory of her Creator. Besides that primary aim, women are uniquely called to spiritual and/or physical motherhood.

Fundamentally, women in Christian anthropology are receivers, the alters, the contemplatives. They are made to be daughters of God and brides of Christ, as well as brides of human men. They are uniquely situated to give care and comfort to the sorrowful. Of course, they also need to cultivate the moral and theological virtues like prudence, fortitude, and charity, but they have unique gifts of their own — the so-called Feminine Genius.

In Pope John Paul II’s letter to women, he states that women “help to make human relations more honest and authentic.” He claims that we are the guardians of leisure time, quality of life, and basic human rights that challenge the male-centered culture of efficiency. He goes on to say that women, “perhaps more than men” acknowledge the person because they see a person with their hearts, flaws and all. He claims that women fulfill their deepest vocation through their generous service to others, and he lauds women who work in education and health care, as they express their spiritual and cultural motherhood in a way that is sorely needed. 

The Virgin Mary is the highest expression of this Feminine Genius. After receiving very difficult news (i.e. “You’re going to give birth to the Messiah”), Mary rushed to her cousin Elizabeth and waited on her for the last three months of her pregnancy, rather than stay in Nazareth to wallow in pity and “why me’s.” She became a gift to her son, a gift to her family members, and a gift to the entire church through her brave, quiet obedience to God. Importantly, she accepted her vocation as wife and mother and was faithful to it, even to the Cross where her only Son died. 

Like Mary, because of our unique spiritual gifts, we women are adept at counseling the sorrowful, relating to others, and knowing — usually before our husbands — when someone is going through a difficult time. We, like our Mother, can contemplate mysterious things in our hearts instead of trying to immediately intervene, solve, and fix. We too can be courageous and fulfill our vocation as a single, married, or consecrated bride of Christ.

The women I know who are following Mary’s example and doing womanhood and motherhood well are the ones who love the people within their care, while using all the gifts at their disposal to, if they so choose, excel in the workplace and edify their local communities. These women do not seek status on Instagram; heck, a lot of them are not even on it. They do not exploit men on OnlyFans or goad their husbands into anger or immoral acts. They do not moan and groan about the patriarchy or blame others for the consequences of their decisions. They do not read smut novels, stalk their lovers, take selfies, nor revel in being playthings for men. They may be a lot of things, but they are not silly.

I don’t know if these guys are thrilled with our suffragette ancestors.

One of these women is Amy Coney Barrett, a justice on the US Supreme Court. On top of raising seven kids, she — with her husband’s support — has excelled in the legal field without losing sight of her vocational duties. Another is Chrissy Horton, a YouTube content creator and mother of six who defends her openness to life while also seeking to help women succeed in motherhood. Another is Erika Baciochi, a legal scholar who uses her considerable mental gifts to bless the policy sphere, while also mothering her seven children. And then there are the saints: Saint Teresa of Calcutta, who took care of the poorest of the poor, Saint Catherine of Siena, who rebuked Popes, Saint Mary Magdalene, who taught that no matter what sexual brokenness you have gone through, you can be healed, and Saint Gianna Molla, who gave her life for her child rather than abort her.

Then there are all of the nurses like my great-great Aunt. Though she suffered from infertility, she took care of myriads of America’s children. There’s the founder of the feminist movement herself, Mary Wollstonecraft, who raised her child as a single mom after her deadbeat husband abandoned her. Then there are all of the feminists who changed the world through their reforms such as Florence Kelley, Jane Adams, and Lucretia Mott. Yes, even Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s advocacy work and her wonderful marriage are to be applauded (though her later support of abortion is truly unfortunate.)

Many of these women subscribed to a particular vision of feminism that desperately needs a revival, a feminism free of exploitation and abuse, free of “sex work,” free of pornography, free of abortion, free of letting men off the hook, free of pitting mothers against their children. I think part of the reason that we have trouble imagining this feminism coming back into the mainstream is that many of us grew up with single mothers. For me, this left me with a warped view of motherhood and femaleness. My mother was strong, direct, and competent at keeping us alive. But without a safe place to land (i.e. a capable father by her side), my mom could not explore nor express her Feminine Genius, and neither could I.

This is why John Paul II rightly points out that “it is only through the duality of the "masculine" and the "feminine" that the "human" finds full realization.” Here is where I may get into trouble. I contend that my femininity has only blossomed in the proportion that I have stopped trying to be masculine. However, do not think that this means that I have stopped being competent, assertive, hard-working, and brave. Our culture mistakenly decided these traits were reserved for men alone when they were really for everyone.

With that disclaimer out of the way, let’s talk externals. I for one have embraced more feminine clothing. While I love slacks and jackets with shoulder pads and wear such things, I am now seeking to differentiate myself from men by modestly communicating my God-given beauty to others. I began to allow my husband to lift heavy things, open my car door, and lead me by the arm. While I am more than capable of doing all of these things by myself, I choose to let him help me. I do so because I am eschewing my shadow side, the side that seeks to control my husband at all costs. Letting him lead is a mortification of that desire that ultimately gives me peace.

I also do not nag nor attempt to be his mother. After many hard lessons on this front, I have learned that we women do our best argumentation through coaxing and asking, not demanding. I used to rail against this fact — that “the patriarchy” cannot stomach a high-powered woman. There is truth there; men do not typically enjoy a domineering woman (though I do know of some exceptions.) But now, instead of stomping my feet, I accept what is. Think of it this way — women like tall men, they will always like tall men, and men who whine about that fact are being, well, unmasculine. The same goes for us.

I am also leaning into my spiritual motherhood. Since I do not have children yet, I have found outlets for my desire to mother others by leading a high school small group at my church, cooking meals for my friends after they’ve given birth, helping a friend understand difficult Bible passages, and walking alongside other women who are struggling with similar issues that I am facing. I read difficult literature, write when I can, and sing in my church’s Gregorian chant choir. I do what I can in my community and hope to do more.

In contrast, the “divine feminine” we have as our standard today is marked by our liberal culture’s emphasis on individualism and independence from our communities. This misstep allows harlotry and man-hating to be put forth as liberation and the feminine ideal. Instead of embracing the Bible’s creation myth, where the first woman is inherently pure and good, this shadow side of femininity embraces the primordial chaos of Mother Earth — she gives life, yes, but she also takes it and destroys it when the mood strikes, while wielding complete control over nature.

Mother Earth is not dependent on a m*n. Her devotees are not wives, sisters, mothers, or daughters — those are icky, relational terms. They are free agents with boundaries, and they do not associate with people with bad vibes. In fact, they control their destiny through birth control pills and positive tarot cards. They “lean in” to the workplace and choose to act like men, thereby embracing “equality” through sameness, not an equality of dignity. They are leaving men behind, which should give them glee, but instead leaves them feeling unfulfilled and miserable. Their avatars? Taylor Swift, AOC, Emma Watson, Beyonce, and Lena Dunham.

I am not going to pretend that there is no nuance here. Balance is everything. I already highlighted last week how trad wives, while well-meaning, present a picture of femininity that is not realistic for most of us. But the mainstream tabloid feminism we have today is far worse. Somewhere in the middle of these two poles, we have women who participate in both the social and economic spheres, while doing what women do best: acting as the north star for a society’s morals. Mary Wollstonecraft said, “I do not wish women to have power over men, but over themselves.” That is what will change our society. When women are more self-possessed, men will have to step up, and when they do, women will no longer feel the need to objectify and degrade themselves to satisfy their appetites as they do today. We will enter into marriage as intellectual and moral equals, and all manner of things will be at least better, if not completely well.

During his travels to America, Alexis de Tocqueville noted that Americans had raised women “morally and intellectually” to the level of men: “They hold that woman’s mind is just as capable as man’s of discovering the naked truth,” he claimed. These women, he thought, were quite unlike the “seductive but incomplete” European women he knew at home in France. In Tocqueville’s mind, the women of America made all the difference as “it is women who shape mores.”

Tocqueville was right. At our best, we are the ones who moderate our culture’s individualism and materialism. We are the ones who defend the life of the vulnerable child, the mentally ill, and the elderly. We are the educators, the caretakers, the lawyers, the business owners, and the speakers. But we would do well not to forget our God-ordained vocation and our status as Christ’s bride. If we abdicate our duties to God, family, and community, our Feminine Genius will only turn into asexual stupidity.

1. I’m starting to think the phrase “trad wife” is being used as a slur. I got called a trad wife for wearing a dress the other day.