Yes, You Can Be Proud of Your Unmedicated Birth
A meditation on envy.
Women tend to have an egalitarian impulse. At our worst, we seek to level the playing field by tearing our fellow sisters down for their life choices, oftentimes because we are jealous of said choices. As a hedge against criticism, I notice many women on social media or even here on Substack undermine their achievements or choices to accommodate the feelings of other women. While this can be noble in some cases, it can also be silly.
The area where I see this play out the most is motherhood. I should get this out of the way: I am not a mother. Still, I am frustrated that women who are mothers have to downplay their successes in motherhood for fear of not being “inclusive.” A few examples:
“I just found out I am pregnant! While I am so thrilled, I know that women struggling with their fertility may be triggered by this post. Feel free to unfollow me — I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”
“I am so proud that I made it through an unmedicated birth. But if your birth was medicated that doesn’t make you any less of a hero!”
“I just passed the one-year mark breastfeeding my child. I never thought I would get this far. But formula moms shouldn’t worry — fed is best!”
“I’ve chosen to stay home with my kids for now, but I understand that many women can’t afford or don’t want to make this choice. All choices are valid!”
“Happy Mother’s Day! But please remember that there are others for whom this day is uncomfortable. Please show your appreciation of them and remind them that plant moms and dog moms are still moms!”
You get the idea. The constant hedging. The constant fear of being canceled.
All of the examples of successes in motherhood that I listed above are not and should not be competitive. Even so, they are real accomplishments. Getting pregnant is a miracle and should be celebrated. A birth is a rite of passage and it is not wrong to celebrate making it through without intervention. Breastfeeding can be difficult, grueling, and akin to a second job — it should be celebrated.
Choosing to stay home with one’s children is always a monetary sacrifice, can be profoundly lonely, and may be uncomfortable for those of us acclimated to the lauds and claps of the market. That sacrifice should be celebrated. And for goodness’ sake, it is okay to be happy on Mother’s Day — mothers only get the one day after all.
In short, it is not our job to manage other people’s emotions, and especially not on the faceless internet. Plus, you will never catch women and men out in the marketplace doing it, as for now, the marketplace rewards hierarchy, differentiation, and success. You will not see Mark Zuckerberg apologizing for Facebook’s glowing earnings report, nor will you see Kamala Harris claiming “all women are valid” should she win the presidency.
Furthermore, being proud of a life choice does not mean someone who made a different choice is less of a person. People who do believe that — that someone else’s choice means my choice is bad and therefore I’m bad — need to expose themselves to individuals who do not think like themselves. Oftentimes, when we demand inclusiveness and an acknowledgment of our experiences, it is because we feel bitter about our own choices or lack of competence.
If we want to make any progress on women’s rights, we women need to start by learning to eschew envy and let others be. Sometimes that does mean deleting social media apps so you do not have to see that friend’s wedding photos, or that model’s baby bump, or that trad mom baking her scratch-made sourdough in a field of lilies. Social media is a highlight reel, and while we know this intellectually, our heart does not.
Our hearts are deceptive, God says; who can know them? They can lead us into mimetic desire doom loops — humans do have the amazing ability to desire anything if we see someone else desiring it. This plays out most obviously in the likes, dislikes, and clothing choices of high school girls, but let us not pretend that we adults are so evolved. What your favorite influencer is wearing does influence you to buy the same thing. We are who we hang around.
However, in an odd turn, we at once desire what other people have and despise them for not being as awful as us. This plays out with celebrities having a stable marriage and kids, finding religion, or losing weight. I don’t know if you remember this fiasco, but when Adele lost a considerable amount of weight over the COVID pandemic, people lost their minds. While the majority celebrated her excellence, there was a vocal minority who believed that her weight loss was akin to abandoning them, fatshaming them.
The desire-despise dynamic is what keeps the burgeoning plastic surgery industry running. Thankfully, most of us do not have enough money to do any real damage, but the Kardashian sisters have mutilated their bodies in order to beat their aging processes into submission. The constant bullying between the sisters — on TV for all to see — began the race to the bottom. They got butt implants when that was in vogue, and removed them when they were not. The tit-for-tat trend cycle continued to test who could out-pretty the others, and how fast.
Many of us are caught up in our own version of this race but will not admit it. At our core, what we desire is Jesus, but for now we settle for the desire to have as big and as clean a home as our neighbor’s, our friend’s, or that influencer’s on Instagram. We want that glamorous job and that Manhattan apartment, while the girl who has that job and apartment wants to live in a country home with a husband and four children.
In case you thought this was only a female phenomenon, the desire-despise loop affects men too. Involuntary celibates and other single men obsess over their jawlines, their height, their browline and hairlines. They’re getting leg lengthening surgeries and getting the “CEO package” at the plastic surgery clinic. They’re staring daggers across the gym at the guy who definitely uses steroids, and are wondering why they can’t have his jawline, shoulder width, and girlfriend.
The devil enjoys envy, probably almost as much as he enjoys pride. He would much rather us not be content with what we have, as that leads directly to distrust of God, Satan’s original gambit from the beginning. Satan knows, just as we know, that envy makes us miserable and leaves us hopeless to change our circumstances. He knows it leads to schadenfreude and a resultant horror at ourselves that we feel when we realize that we enjoy the pain of others.
We must avoid envy at all costs. If we don’t, the market economy and social media will gladly eat us alive with it. Before my conversion, I used to be green in the gills myself, so here are some practical tips I use today to stop the desire-despise dynamic in my life:
List at least one thing you are grateful to God for every day.
Delete social media, specifically Instagram (if you have to pick only one). If you can’t do that, don’t post on it. If you can’t do that, really examine your heart before uploading a post. Ex. “Am I uploading this to generate envy in others?”
If possible, approach the person you envy. Get to know them and their perspective. People are rarely as hateful as they seem, and even if they are, there is usually a story for how they got to that place.
Pray for those you are jealous of. This is probably the most difficult one of all.
In Case You Missed It:
The Consequences of the Lack of Marriage (now paywall-free) by Me
Birth Control Prefigured Transgenderism by Me
Absolutely have noticed this as well w regard to motherhood-related things specifically. Really frustrating and feels very anti-woman😔
"mimetic desire doom loops" is the most perfectly turned phrase 👌🏻 Also, your list of tips is excellent. I had to get off Instagram. It frankly felt diabolical to me. Immediately after logging on I'd become dissociated with the real, tangible goodness in my life and I'd start hungering for an illusion. The worst envy and resentment I experienced was always directed towards wealthy Catholic influencers. Their advice was often good and well-intended but when they're giving prayer tips accompanied by a picture of them wearing a $200 dress, well it plays upon my insecurities terribly and stirs up all kinds of uncharitable thoughts. My psyche is so much better when I stay off social media and go to those who have eschewed wealth and notoriety (like the desert fathers and mothers) for spiritual advice.